I Loathe Lucy

Episode 4 - April 29, 2024

Donna Edwards - the best wife, the best mother - Stephanie Wolfe
Lindsay Edwards - her executive husband - Peter Brown
Debbie Edwards - their misunderstood daughter - Ellie Heath
Peter Edwards - Bowling alley owner - Tom Edwards
Thomas Edwards - ice cream shop owner - Lindsey Walker
Perry Scissorins III - neighbourhood pharmacist -Randy Brososky
Edwarda Scissorins - his wife, local hairdresser - Caley Suliak
Rusty Scissorins - Perry’s evil twin brother - Randy Brososky
Fritz Überalles - German immigrant - Cody Porter
Hildegard Überalles - his wife-  Jason Hardwick
Mark Carleton - Donna’s brother, the milkman - Joel Taras
Chet Whetpous - the pool boy - Breck Wiltshire
Lucile Slips - Neighbourhood Gossip and Mary Kay lady - Kelly Turner

Director: Jake Tkaczyk
Music: Paul Morgan Donald
Technical Magic: Olivia Bogaard
Synopsis: Jim Cej
Producer: Nicole Thibault

Act I

Edwarda Scissorins is alone in her kitchen when there is a knock at the door. It’s the neighbourhood gossip, Lucille Slips. She confesses to her that she tried to kill her husband, but he’s still alive. Good thing, otherwise you’d be a widower. And a murderer. Lucille goes through the Avon murder supplies in her purse to find the best weapon to use on Edwarda’s husband.

Thomas needs some guidance from Reverend Evermore Grace. He has some real pressing questions. The Reverend suggests that they do a back to back confession. Thomas feels good not having to look at him. He has taken over running the drug store. Have you heard about this thing called the reefer? You mean the gunge? The green? Yes, I’ve heard of it. Thomas has a friend that’s dipping into the sticky icky. What does the bible say about that? The Reverend has a pamphlet called Awaken! that talks all about it. Thomas was terrified to come and speak to him about his problem. Smoke it if you’ve got it!

Peter, Chet, and Mark are sitting around the bowling alley. Rusty comes in as Perry. Chet asks for some advice. You know when you get home and your wife wants to ravage you every day? Yup. Perry doesn’t. Chet wants to be a square, but he can’t even draw one. Peter suggests he find out what makes him hot and turn it down. Don’t you know?!? It’s EVERYTHING about me! Chet tries ineffectually to be less sexy. Mark talks about how women throw themselves at him. Rusty squeezes his glass of beer until it breaks, and says that maybe Chet needs to be too clean. Peter thinks he should be dirty. Mark says that maybe he should set mixed signals! Be mediocre!

Thomas gets high on the street and runs into Edwarda and Lucille looking for Perry. They laugh. A lot. Lucille tells Thomas that he can speak freely to them. He tells Edwarda how angry he is with Perry. How could he leave the pharmacy to him? They say that maybe he should sell drugs in his ice cream. Pharmacream! Lucille pulls more of her Avon weapons out to show Thomas what she has to sell. He spins guns on each hand. Edwarda pulls Lucille aside and wonders if they could use Thomas to get rid of Perry. Thomas feels like this is a new chapter in his life. People will be chicken when he pulls out his guns. Edwarda talks with Thomas. He doesn’t have much practice speaking with the ladies. Edwarda tells him to practice on him. But keep those weapons handy.

Rev Evermore Grace gives a sermon to his congregation. He’s back from drinking so many different types of wine at the Mission Hill Sparkling Reserve. The Albertans are being up all the beautiful land and using their oil money to open wineries! He reads from the Book of Ogopogo. There is a parishioner that they need to pray for. Someone that is addicted to cannabis, their eyes like two piss holes in the snow. They can’t remember their dreams. But he who casts the first stone gathers no moss. Everyone thinks that it is Mark, drinking his bad milk. The Reverend chides them, there is no lactose intolerance here. Mark has something to say that has nothing to do with reefer. The milk from the generic milk company doesn’t come from cows. It’s not even from a mammal. If you crush lobsters and mix it with chlorine and ammonia…  Mark says that Thomas has been asking for extra milk for his Pharmacream. There is a Church fight! Mark and Thomas come to slow motion blows. The Reverend throws in a few punches to help take down Mark., and then tries to find a bible verse to justify his actions. Mark has been converted! He’s been saved from his evil secret. Everyone leaves except for Rusty and Edwarda. Rusty and the Reverend have a past of their own. Edwarda gives Rusty Perry’s pipe to complete his disguise. Perry is going to have to keep supplying Thomas with his reefer. They have a drug store and an Avon lady at their disposal. Rusty smokes from Perry’s pipe. He gets light headed. What did you do, Edwarda?

The Reverend and Chet practice bowling. Chet gets 3 strikes in a row, a turkey. Nothing bad ever happens to Chet. Those other people all died, That was bad for them, not him. Chet thinks he was born evil. Everywhere he’s gone, people die. The Highway Killer Massacre? That was me, but it wasn’t on purpose! Chet is afraid. He thinks that by coming to Livegood, he’s doomed the town. If he’s going to kill everyone, the Reverend says that he will save everyone.

Act II

Thomas Edwards is visited by Chet Whetpous. He takes Thomas’s flowers and phone, but he brings them back. He loved the way he kicked Mark’s ass. When you have the fear of God in you in God’s house, you can do some wicked stuff. Maybe Chet can learn from that. Thomas can see someone nice inside him. He sees a lot of himself in him. What do you see in me, Chet? Walt Disney. He was a fighter. He beat the shit out of a bunch of people. But he got tired of it and started making kid’s stuff. Chet wishes he had the confidence Thomas has. He can train him to be a Thomas Edwards Jr. Can you imagine? Us walking down the street, snapping our fingers. Not for other people, but for themselves.

Peter and the Reverend are still at the bowling alley. Peter apologises for yelling in church and making a spectacle of himself. But it was a fair fight. The Reverend feels that life is like a beautiful forest that sometimes get infested with pine beetles. You need to have a cleansing fire. He confesses that he has a crisis of faith on his retreat. People have dark underbellies. Do you have a dark underbelly, Peter? Well, people go off together sometimes at the bowling alley. There seems to be a substance problem in this town. Peter is a God fearing man. He’s had girlfriends but he hasn’t been able to keep any. You’re beating around the burning bush, Peter. He doesn’t think that he’s different from other men. Your eyes can wander as long as they come home to eat. Peter thinks that he looks at men more than women. That must astound you. No, I thought you were going to say some thing about animals.

Edwarda tells Rusty that he smoked the poisoned pipe that Perry was supposed to smoke. Edwarda says the he doesn’t realise the weapon they have. Thomas Edwards is a lean mean killing machine. Rusty doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Well, maybe she does. Rusty wants her to have everything she wants, but he can’t be that milquetoast Perry. He is sick of trying to blending in and sick of people not respecting Rusty Scissorins. Edwarda can help him. She has a plan involving Thomas Edwards.

Mark and Lucille sit in the garden. He likes it when she’s mean to him. Can he confess something to her? That you want to fuck me? Well, I can confess something else, too. He’s really worried about Thomas Edwards. Don’t worry, she armed him well. Wait. You armed the murder machine that beat me up? Maybe Lucille can arm him as well. Mark is nervous  about murdering someone. Don’t worry, you get used to it.

The Reverend gives another sermon about the little piggies. He is so happy to be back with everyone so honest and pure. Rusty enters, dressed as himself. Do you remember 20 years ago, that guy that used to mess around the girls with? He’s back. Welcome! Things are going to change around town now. The Reverend talks about poly-love, but it just confuses everyone. He is a man of the Lord and he can’t fight, but he can call in a second. Chet! Rusty calls in Thomas as his second. Thomas’s weapon is a mace against Chet’s sexuality. Chet is like a son to Thomas. Thomas loves him, but he will annihilate him. Church fight! Church fight! They fight in slow motion. Thomas apologies repeatedly, but pummels Chet all the same. Thomas is the undefeated champion!

Thomas kneels over Chet. How are your nuts? Before I die, I have something to tell him. Chet could feel that curse lifted off of him. Thomas tells him that he’ll live a long mediocre life. Chet will never have sex again! Thomas tells him that Chet came to town a stranger, but Thomas knew. You had the moustache of an Edwards man. You are my son, and I killed you. That is fucked up. The curse may be gone, but Thomas will keep killing.

All Photos by: Janna Hove