We’ll Have Nun of This

Episode 6 - May 13, 2024

Donna Edwards - the best wife, the best mother - Stephanie Wolfe
Lindsay Edwards - her executive husband - Peter Brown
Debbie Edwards - their misunderstood daughter - Ellie Heath
Peter Edwards - Bowling alley owner - Tom Edwards
Thomas Edwards - ice cream shop owner - Lindsey Walker
Perry Scissorins III - neighbourhood pharmacist -Randy Brososky
Edwarda Scissorins - his wife, local hairdresser - Caley Suliak
Rusty Scissorins - Perry’s evil twin brother - Randy Brososky
Fritz Überalles - German immigrant - Cody Porter
Hildegard Überalles - his wife-  Jason Hardwick
Mark Carleton - Donna’s brother, the milkman - Joel Taras
Chet Whetpous - the pool boy - Breck Wiltshire
Lucile Slips - Neighbourhood Gossip and Mary Kay lady - Kelly Turner
Sarah Rose - Donna’s Sister from Europe - Alexandra Dawkins
John Fitzgerald Kennedy - US senator, presidential candidate - Breck Wiltshire
Sister Prudence Temperance - acolyte nun - Alexandra Dawkins

Director: Jake Tkaczyk
Music: Graeme Pate
Technical Magic: Olivia Bogaard
Synopsis: Kirsten Throndson
Producer: Nicole Thibault

Act I

Lindsay Edwards has a body to dispose of. Thomas enters unannounced and congratulates his brother on his first murder. They decide to bury it in the garden before Donna sees her sister’s body. Thomas wants his brother’s advice on how not to look murdery. It’s only been a few nights, but Lindsay can’t sleep. Thomas can hook him up with some “sleeping” pills.

Sister Prudence arrives in town and meets with Rev Evermore Grace. It’s been 15 years since they’ve seen each other. She’s been all over the world, even where it’s too hot to nun. He gives her a tour of the neighbourhood. The Reverend sees Thomas pulling a body wrapped in a carpet and calls him over to introduce her to him. Lindsay says that the carpet is stuffed with fireworks.

Donna sits with her daughter, who has a bucket over her head. She asks why she is wearing it. Did you try to get your bangs again? Debbie bursts into tears. Debbie was in a bad place so she got a haircut to feel better. Donna takes the bucket off of her daughter’s head. Oh. She puts the bucket back on her head. She takes it off again and tries to find the silver lining, but she can’t even look straight her. Debbie has something else to tell her. When she was walking in the backyard with the bucket on her head, she tripped over a body in a rug. Donna says that she must have cut off her intelligence when she cut off her hair. Donna asks her to show it to her. It was probably just a magpie.

The Überalleses sit in the kitchen and discuss where to go for their anniversary. Fritz thinks that Hildegard looks more beautiful than ever. She asks if he knows what day it was yesterday. It was Mother’s Day. Are you sad that our lifestyle has been more carnal than productive? Hildegard sees him with the youth when he is at work and he looks so happy! Edwarda knocks on the door. She flirts with Fritz. The Überalleses ask where Rusty is. He’s on a very small vacation. But still living and breathing? Currently? Yes. Edwarda asks Hildegard if their plan is still on? The “vacation” Hildegard sent him on was a real vacation. She promises that the next time that she tries to kill someone, it’ll stick.

Mark goes to confession. He is heard by Sister Prudence under the supervision of Rev Grace. Mark says that he has been really bad lately. He has had a great many dalliances with women in the neighbourhood. Sometimes 3 or 4 dalliances in a row. Mark tries to describe an orgasm to the nun. He’s also been thinking pouty murder a lot. He murdered his son and is on drugs, but no one seems to care about it. When he leaves, Rev Grace says, “See what I have to deal with every week?”

Thomas drags the body through the streets of Magnolia Crescent. He runs into JFK, who offers to help him carry his carpet. Thomas needs to take break from carrying the carpet all over town and asks JFK about his plans for the future. Well, no missiles. What’s his feeling on granting pardons? And about people who smoke reefer? Thomas would murder anyone for him. Hildegard comes by and wonders who is in the carpet. It’s just dog bones rolled up in it. Hildegard asks is anyone has seen Rusty. She gives Thomas advice on burying a body.

Debbie and Donna try and found the body Debbie tripped over.  When Lindsay goes into the backyard, Debbie tells him about the body. Donna says their carpet is missing. Debbie says that the body had coral toenail polish, just like her aunt wears! They’ve all got troubles. Lindsay has a secret to tell them. Do they know who hosts the rock and roll station on the radio. He does! Maybe they should concentrate on that instead of finding a body.

Edwarda is visited my Mark Carlton. They go off together.

Rev Grace preaches to the congregation. Today, they are going to make Holy Water. But first, there’s going to be a church fight between two sinners, Thomas and Debbie. Lindsay tells his brother not to kill his daughter. Debbie knocks her uncle down with her first punch, but he gets in a punch back.

Act II

Back in the church, Debbie tries to get her uncle to say Uncle. The fight turns into rumble. Lindsay is disgusted by it all. He says that there was a body found and it’s obvious that these fights are behind it. JFK drags in the carpet and it is unrolled. Inside is an unrecognizable body. There’s a murderer in Magnolia Crescent! The Reverend and Sister Prudence form a task force.

Donna is concerned. She hasn’t seen her sister in a week, and the feet on that body looked like hers. Lindsay says that her sister said that she was going to the airport. The murderer must have been the carpet thieves!

The Überalleses talk about the body. Fritz reminds Hildegard they agreed they wouldn’t commit any murders unless it was for the wellbeing of the community. He wishes that she’d discuss killing people before she did anything. Hildegard says that she hasn’t killed anyone. They were in the foreplay phase of murder. Debbie knocks on the door. She wants to talk to Hildegard. She pulls her aside and tells her that she thinks that her dad might be a murderer! Thomas tells Fritz that she needs to find people to kill to help his urges. Only if it helps the community. Debbie wants Hildegard to get her father to confess to her. Hildegard will make sure that he takes there fall for the murder. Thomas suggests that they kill the Padre to get rid of the task force. The priest gets people to share their secrets and then share them all over town, and he has those church fights. Shedding blood in the church… Yes, they’ll kill the Reverend.

Edwarda has some questions for Sister Prudence. She wants to hear her history. 15 years ago she lived in this town. She ran away and gained some special skills in other places. That is what Edwarda wants to know about. Sister Prudence is there to spy on the Überalleses for Interpol! Sister Prudence knows about their past in Germany. Edwarda wants a listening device to put in Thomas Edwards’ house.

The Reverend, JFK, Donna and Mark Carlton are having a meeting about the murder. They don’t know whose body it was. Mark wrote his sister a cheque for a great deal of money, and it hasn’t been cashed. The Reverend thinks that it’s time to jump to conclusions. Mark says that one of the Edwardses must die! The Reverend thinks that Donna is the killer. She says that she isn’t murder anyone even if she DID want her sister dead! The Reverend runs off to tell.

Hildegard has snuck into the confessional, and Lindsay comes by to say his confession. Hildegard disguises her voice to sound like a man. Lindsay says that he hasn’t been to church in number of years and has something to get off of his chest. Have you murdered anyone? Yes! That’s good to get off my chest. He leaves the confessional. JFK comes in next. He has not murdered anyone. Lately. But he has coveted, hard. There is someone in town that he knows from his past, from the war. There was a young German man that he met on a desert island. Fritz pulls a gun and Thomas pulls aside the curtain to shoot the Reverend in the confessional. He doesn’t see that it’s Hildegard inside until after he pulls the trigger. My liebschen!

All Photos by: Janna Hove