Your Crew:
Aidan Laudersmith as Captain Landon Skyler, believes he can captain the boat, despite evidence to the contrary
Peter Brown as Norm Humble - The starchy First Mate, believes he should have been made Captain
Kristen Welker - Dr Amanda Bricktup - Chief Medical Officer, with an elevated sense of desirability
Kirsten Throndsen as Brenda Glass - Cruise Director and all-around go-getter
Caley Suliak as Gina Vino - Head Chef, her food will make-a you fall in love!
Joel Taras as Harry Balds - Head Engineer, navy veteran, jaded crew member
Jason Hardwick as Michael Thomas “MT” Balds - Head Bartender, Harry’s brother
Maureen Rooney as Lizzy - Ship’s Chaperone
Stephanie Wolfe as Tawny Beige - Ex-supermodel lounge singer
Your Guests:
Kristi Hansen as Aunt Cecile DeVille - Rich heiress
Chris Bullough - Ricki Ricotta - her fiancé, disco gigolo
Ellie Heath as Kiki DeVille - Her niece, looking for a rich husband
Cody Porter as Timothy Humblé, publishes under the name Tiberius Stone, travel writer, Norm’s brother
Michael Watt as Barb “Barbara” Birkin - Incredibly inconspicuous stowaway
Lindsey Walker as Stanley “Stan” Sideburns “Burnsy” Burnuckle - Prize winner, boat lover
Nikki Hulowski - Mathilda O’Bitty - 92 year old virgin widow
Act I
Mathilda finds Cecile very familiar. She remembers her from her wild youth. Mathilda says that they can leave the past in the past. Cecile wonders if she’s there to buy the ship. No. Her husband died on their wedding night before they could consummate the marriage, and she never found someone who could replace him. Cecile feels sorry for her and offers to help her lose her virginity.
MT and Brenda ponder her venereal disease. Why didn’t he tell her? Men don’t share things about their personal lives. Dr Amanda announces that she’s out of antibiotics. Cranberry juice is the next best thing. Maybe they could mix it with booze! MT is deeply offended. Juice in a drink!?! It goes against his morals, but he’ll serve her cocktails.
Timothy joins Norm in his tiny cabin. Norm asks that his brother have his sexual escapades elsewhere. Timothy tells his brother about a woman of a certain age that may be able to give him a new perspective. You’ll be able to quit travel writing and write your great American novel! Norm can open some doors for Timothy. His brother asks for a skeleton key instead.
Gina serves Kiki and Ricki, but they just want booze. She predicts they will fall in love. Ricki protests, saying that it would be like incest. Lizzy can make sure that Kiki has a good time. Ricki again protests, but Kiki says that Aunt Cecile isn’t around. She wants to have some fun. Lizzy offers to be her “test driver” with her prospects. Gina brings them some fish. Kiki says that she got food poisoning with the fish here before. Gina says that it wasn’t her fault. Someone else supplied the fish. Maybe they all got VD from the fish!
Harry shows Stan around. He’s a bit of a shippionado. What if someone wanted to take the ship and find the edge of the flat earth? Harry says that it sounds like he has a case of sea madness. Norm agrees with the diagnosis. Stan tries to open a porthole. Norm throws a drink in his face. Stan gets gin in his eyes. They need Dr Amanda.
Dr Amanda explains to the guests that they’re out of antibiotics, and the passengers will need to drink a lot of cranberry juice. Harry and Norm arrive with Stan, who proclaims that they’re trying to poison him. Pandemonium ensues. Stan complains about his sea madness. MT gives him a drink as a cure. Will it hurt? It only burns coming out.
Ricki and Cecile are in their cabin. She tells him that she had intimate relations with someone last week. Intimate relations? Did you talk about your childhoods? Not, we bumped uglies. Ricki leaves in tears.
Kiki asks who they’re going to “test drive”. Lizzy asks if she is old enough to drink. Lizzy will ask her aunt. She doesn’t know anything about Kiki. So, she didn’t prepare you about men? Kiki is attracted to Ricki. And MT. And Harry. And Stan. And Timothy. Kiki loves a project! Mathilda watches the two of them plotting. Kiki is like the door. She swings both ways.
MT listens to Stan’s cry out in agony as the drink comes out. It burns, but he’s cured of the madness. He’s in his stall, he asks Stan what brings him on the boat. This is like a confessional booth. Life in Toledo sucks. He spoiled the ballots in the Piggly Wiggly to win this trip. MT asks if he’s been putting himself out there. Like going outside? They have Single’s Nights on the ship. Are you a virgin? You’re got me pegged.
Brenda visits Norm on the bridge. She thinks that she wants to get off the ship. That’s treason! You made an oath. Why? She hasn’t touched dry land in 4 years. And? Norm cries. He hasn’t either. He thinks that they’re both lonely. Brenda steers while Norm is inconsolable. Norm asks if they can be friends. You can call me Normie. Brenda says that she can call him Brenda. Maybe they go the bar and join in the games there. He will be her ship friend. Friendship is the best ship to sail on!
Act II
Aunt Cecile and Kiki watch Ricki, who is in the foetal position on the bed. Kiki says that he’s not the first partner that her aunt has cheated on. She’s just calling ‘em as she sees ‘em. Ricki is torn between being angry and being attracted to Cecile.
Stan joins Norm and Harry. What was that all about? How have you compromised the ship? Who’s your boss? Stan’s lips are sealed, but he wants to be friends. He tells him that pulled an upper decker, middle decker and a lower decker. And she turned the helm all the way until it stopped and them let it go. With the delay, and the ship veers wildly.
Mathilda and MT talk about love. It’s the reason he’s on the ship. She’s on the ship to find love. She only has her millions. Ricki asks MT for the strongest cranberries he has. MT plays wingman for Mathilda. She says that she can’t get pregnant. Not get pregnant? That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.
The female crew enjoys some downtime in the employee’s lounge. They all agree that the male crew on this ship are ugly! They all look like they snuck on the ship. They deserve the best. They shouldn’t be limited to the crew. The passengers should be open game. They all agree that Timothy is hot.
Timothy is on the top deck with the woman he had a tryst with. Cecile says that her fiancé doesn’t like them being together. He sweet talks her. Her eyes are like the ocean. Deep. Just don’t tell her fiancé about them. You don’t have to worry about him. Timothy has a plan. They kiss.
On the bridge, Norm tells MT about his new friendship with Brenda. He is not impressed. Norm asks if he ever feels just lost at sea. How do you get on the fun boat? This IS the fun boat. How can I be more like you? Drink. When, where, and how much? Yes. MT has always been the fun guy. He got a letter from his brother about his horrible life. He had to be the fun guy for him. That’s why he got Harry the job on the ship. MT sings about his lengthy relationship with booze. Spread the word about booze.
Ricki is alone with the 92 year old virgin Mathilda, in her room. How do you want to do this? She wants to get to know him first. He’s not used to this part. What’s your favourite book? What’s your favourite moving picture? Maybe he can take her to the movies on the ship. They could get a popcorn and put a hole in the bottom. Then all the popcorn would fall out! That would be a waste of money. Maybe they could just watch the movie. Mathilda says that that’s the idea. He pulls a banana out of his pants and offers it to her. She belittles it. Why would you put a banana in the popcorn?
Harry Balds needs some medical attention. The cranberry juice isn’t agreeing with him. He feels nauseous. Dr Amanda gets nauseous seeing people get nauseeous. The episode passes. Almost.
Gina serves Stan his meal, but she’s cautious because of his sea madness behaviour. She confesses her fear to him. He says that he can go back in the kitchen and make his own meal. He’s trying to turn over a new tree. Stan is trying to be good and nice and maybe make friends. It breaks her heart. She serves him magical pasta. He shows some leg and asks how she feels. Conflicted. His leg will be there later, so he puts it away. She asks to see the leg again.
Lizzy and Brenda gossip about Kiki. Lizzy heard that she’s 12 and drinking alcohol. Brenda confesses that the booze on the ship is 99% cranberry juice. Brenda is suspicious about her. She won four bingos in a row! If she cheats at bingo, what else does she cheat on? Lizzy says that teens tend to be promiscuous. Lizzy tells Brenda that the men on the ship call her Benda. Brenda says that Lizzy is as mean as everyone else. She will introduce her to someone. Brenda needs one more round of orthodontia.
Ricki goes back to his cabin to get his things. Kiki is there, and asks if he’s sharing a cabin with someone. Is he looking for someone virginal? She can do that, too. She comes on to him and Aunt Cecile walks in. Did you put a hand on my niece?!? Kiki says not yet. She heard that he’s been hanging around the old folks home. Timothy enters. He’s the one who told her about Mathilda. Timothy was going to kill Ricki, but they fight instead. Timothy knocks him down in one punch. Ricki calls him ungentlemanly. Timothy has never stooped so low before. He’s shocked by his own behaviour. Aunt Cecile demands that he leave.
Synopsis by Jim Cej
All Photos by Marc J. Chalifoux
