From the Lobotomy
to the Latop of Me
(Episode 5)
River City Staff
Jaqueline Walsh, PHD (Head Administrator): Stephanie Wolfe
Philadelphia Jones (Chief Resident):
Rebecca Bissonnette
Phyllis Jones (Pharmacist):
Delia Barnett
Doug (The Custodian):
Kristi Hansen
Katie Cross (Hospital Parishioner):
Rebecca Merkley
Dr. Damian Mallet (General Surgeon):
Tom Edwards
Susan Wilson (Malpractice Lawyer):
Kirsten Throndson
Dr. Anita Brah (Surgeon):
Kalyn Miles
Nurse Lillian Hope (Nurse):
Jason Hardwick
Dr. Patrick Chathams (Pediatrician):
Vincent Forcier
Dr. Justin Justice (cardiologist):
Mike Cox
Dr. Seattle Frasier (Definitely a Psychiatrist):
Gordie Lucius
Dr. Jason Quesnell (Totally a Doctor):
Jesse Gervais
Sam St. James (Slick Political Consultant):
Christine DeWitt
Nurse Meredith Grace (Nurse):
Nikki Hulowski
Expertly Crafted Synopsis Writer:
Jim Cej
Die-Nasty Photographer :
Janna Hove
Act 1
In hospital Holt Renfrew store, Dr Damian Mallet shops for shoes. Doug almost sweeps him away. When he asks Doug for his opinion of a pair, he wonders if the patients care about what’s on his feet. Don’t you care about your patients, how they are treated? The doctor is concerned about the privatization. Doug doesn’t care, because he’s in the union. Dr Damian has been in a surgery for up to 10 hours! That’s sickening! Maybe the union can do something about that for you…
Jacqueline is in her office with Sam St Jones. Sam has heard that things have been going sideways. Dr Jason Quesnell arrives late for his appointment. Jacqueline updates them on her progress. Why do we need doctors and nurses? We have Google! Dr Jason convincingly defends the profession. Maybe all they need is Dr Jason? They can use Chat GPT in place of doctors and charge lots of money. The patients should have more time for shopping. Dr Quesnell is the new Head of Medicine.
Dr Patrick Chathams arrives in Susan Wilson’s office, coming in the back way. He wants to have a secret meeting with her. How much do you know about marriage law. Can you marry a co-worker? Well, this may fall under employment law. Do they work under you? If they don’t, sure. Susan tells Dr Patrick that he can go to get a marriage license. But I’m in hiding. Can I send someone for me? Well, since everyone else breaks the rules here, so will she. Susan can make that happen. Meet Big Al in the alley behind the hospital after midnight Tuesday. Do you mean Wednesday, then? Sure, early Wednesday morning. Big Al sells marriage licenses. Legit ones!
Nurses Lillian Hope, Meredith Grace and Dr Justin Justice have a secret rendezvous. Lillian tells her sister that so many things have happened since the last time they saw each other. Meredith asks who Justin is. He tells her that he is their long lost brother that was taken away at birth. He knows the secret family handshake, so it miss be true! Lillian says they need to do something about privatization. If the hospital goes private, they’ll never find the missing baby. Lillian rubs her nipples, like she always does when she’s stressed. She has a secret. Lillian is getting married again!
Since Dr Anita Brah and her wandering accent were on stress leave, she has a meeting with Katie Cross. She tells Anita the things she does when she’s stressed, like making out with someone new. Dr Anita had a tryst with Dr Mallet before she went on the stress leave. They met in the blood room. (She’s a sucker for bags of blood.) Katie gets clarification. Did the two of them did dirty things? Dr Damian said very beautiful things to Dr Anita. But he never called her again. She had a breakdown. Katie knows EXACTLY how she feels. She feels betrayed. And a little horny. She needs to have a talk with Dr Mallet. Katie needs to get back to her one true love.
In Dr Mallet’s office, Dr Jason Quesnell samples some of his meds and practices speaking to the board about his promotion. He tells Dr Damian that he has a problem. He needs some help, and he can’t use Chat GPT because the internet is down. What’s the topic? It’s about… being a leader. He needs Dr Damian to Cyrano de Bergerac him.
Mistaking her for her identical twin Lillian, Dr Patrick Chathams shows Nurse Meredith Grace the wedding license. Meredith is please, but says that she never loved him. What a fun game! You might feel traumatized, but just remember that you’ll never find someone to love you. As she walks away, she says, “Fuck you, Lillian.”
Jacqueline and Sam watch Doug as he custodes. Sam tells him that he is the one that put his brother down. Union buster! Jacqueline says that they can come to some sort of agreement. What do you want? Early retirement. Done, you can go. And I want my pension. Doug says that he works for the CUPE. They can’t fire him. Sam tells him that they don’t recognize your union. They may think that they have power over Doug, but they can’t touch him. Jacqueline says that they have power. And money. They’ll be hearing from his union steward.
Katie tries to comfort herself in the chapel. When Lillian enters, she tells her about how she has been betrayed. Lately, Katie feels like everyone has been heating her woes. Dr Mallet has been two timing her. Maybe three timing. He butt dialled her and she overheard him with someone else. It wasn’t someone with an accent, so she’s not sure how many people he’s been messing around with. Lillian asks if she wants to heal her heart. Yes! I want to get back to her job.
Dr Jason Quesnell gives his slideshow presentation. He gives everyone a Zoloft to get them in the right head space. He speaks Dr Mallet’s words. You will all benefit from the new future. Let me lead you. There is one set of footprints. Mine, because I’m carrying you all. You may think that this presentation is incomprehensible. It’s a multidimensional problem. I give you healthcare for everyone. You’ll never privatize health care. If you want to be my lover, you’ve got get to get with my friends. And screw Danielle Steel!
Act 2
In the scrub room, Drs Anita Brah and Patrick Chathams prepare for surgery. He really hopes nothing goes wrong. With their track record, Dr Anita says that’s not very likely.
In Jacqueline’s office, she can’t reach the jacket she hung up. She breaks down and can’t take it any more. Jacqueline tells Doug that she admires him. He’s the only one in the hospital that ever does anything! Sam says that you may have the union, but you don’t have your brother. What would you do to get him back? He didn’t die in that fire. There was no fire. We have him in hiding. Sam will bring him to Doug.
Dr Jason critiques his slide show. Meredith compliments his presentation. She looks familiar to him. She says that the last time he saw her, he was in her mouth. He was her dentist! He compliments himself on the work he did. Funny, she didn’t know he went to med school. Yes at Bernard Hopkins! Dis you specialize in bullshit? Remember when we were young and you were a vet? Yes I circumcized your dog!
Katie Cross packs up at the end of her day. Dr Damian confronts her. He has heard rumours that he has put his penis in someone’s ear. She thinks that he is full of shit, stringing her along. No! We had 2 children. Yeah, somewhere in the hospital. One came out with a moustache. She tells him that she loves him. He loves her too. But how can she believe him? He will go to every woman in the hospital and tell them that they are off limits.
Nurse Lillian and Dr Justice go to Susan Wilson’s office. They need her help with their sister. Can they get her fired for her evil tendencies. Do they all have evil tendencies? Is it a family thing? Everyone in Pond Town has a dark side. Susan must have some darkness in her, too. She has a filing cabinet full of secrets. Lillian tried to get on her side by giving her their secret. They need her to fire Jacqueline. I don’t know if she has that power. Well, things are running low in the hospital. If you slip us her file, no one needs to know where it came from. She’ll do it.
Dr Jason and Sam discuss the success of the presentation. They did it! She found it compelling. It was very… avant garde. Sam needs his help, his sneaky skills. Dr Jason defends himself. He’s very honest. Are you? No. Sam wants to know all about the blood room. There’s a secret in the depths of the blood room. Like Caramilk? The Shroud of Turin? The blood room is actually a trap. There are people that have disappeared in there. They have been storing people in there, dissolved in the blood vat. They could reconstitute the people in the blood vat. Sam needs one person in particular. Doug’s brother. He will become a virtual puppet!
Doug talks about his brother with new recruits, Meredith and Dr Anita. He doesn’t know if he can be in the union anymore. For his whole life, he fought for his union siblings . But not his real brother. They give Doug a group hug. He is sorry that he has let them down., but they can still join the union, though. Meredith thinks that it’s like a kind of cult. Dr Anita says that his union desertion seems suspect. Why has he changed? For love.
Dr Mallet meets with Jacqueline in the hospital Holt Renfrew. He brings her some flowers. She lives there, because who has time to go home? The flowers bring beauty into the room. Don’t you think the world needs more beauty? She lies back in his arms. Katie Cross watches them. He tells Jacqueline that they had some good times. It’s lonely at the top. Jacqueline says that they can be like a power couple. Katie sneaks a scalpel and jumps out, asking him how could he. Jacqueline realizes that he has been two-timing her and pulls out a gun. It goes off and Dr Damian Mallet collapses to the ground