Act I

Lew Duluth drops off his girlfriend Bridgette at work. Her macramé dress will give her on hell of a tan. She’ll be working right underneath his office. She’s as on the wrong side, but now she’s on the right side of the track now. Covered with black mold and asbestos, she’ll live forever! Lew is pissed to find his newspaper on the floor. A body has been discovered. Bridgette reminds him that he can’t investigate the crime, the police are on it. He’s been dealing with lowlifes since he left the FBI. He’s off to look into a life insurance policy.

Lew drives off in his car to see Hugo McGuffin. Lew trips over a candlestick that Desiree knocked over, monologuing. He’s curious about that body that was found.  He tells Hugo to keep a lid on what he publishes about it. If he sends some clues his way, Hugo will get the inside track.

Danvers goes through their morning routine. They wake up, standing. Anything not knocked over, they will do themself. They have no cleaning equipment, so rolls around to pick up anything on the carpet. They take Lew and Hugo to the study. Lew comments on their appearance, but Danvers takes a stand up nap instead. Hugo has something he wants to talk to Lew about. There’s something going on with his daughter. Danvers wakes up, but Hugo sends them away.  Desiree is being blackmailed, and Hugo has the pictures. The kind of thing you find in a girlie magazine or Sear’s catalogue. Have you seen the lingerie section?! Danvers comes back to finish cleaning the carpet. Hugo tried to remember it he bought them a mop.

Danvers has something to tell Lew while Hugo is out of the room. He is not the man he seems. Lew is confused with his own identity. It isn’t that Hugo hasn’t supplied them with a mop, but he’s been stealing his daughter’s jewels. Is that a euphemism for something? Lew sees everything. Danvers hears everything when they sleep. Lew asks why Hugo is stealing the jewels. Danvers can’t do his job for him.

Lew drives away, with Desiree hiding in his backseat. She’s an awful beat seat driver. Lew tells her that she’s in the non-smoking section of his car. Only he can smoke. She wants to know what he was talking to her dad about. She works on her accent asking him. She doesn’t like him sneaking around her house talking to people. He asks is she notices if anything is missing. He suggests that she look in her boudoir. What does her dad have to say about her boudoir? He tells her that he’s heard that her dad is stealing her jewels. She tells him to keep his name out of his dirty mouth.

Lew visits Orestes at the bar downstairs from his office. The last time he saw Orestes he was knee deep in mud, wrestling three women. Lew confesses that he has name aphasia, ever since that day with the FBI. Lew has been hearing about some blackmail, Orestes favourite kind of mail. Lew asks is he knows anything about some stolen jewels. What has Orestes been hearing? Some people wearing red hats have been hanging around. May Lew should look for someone wearing a red hat. Or not wearing one.

Geneva sees Lew and Orestes from across the street and wonders what they are talking about. She wishes she has some friends. She tries lip-reading what they’re saying. She thinks they’re talking about how much they like her and think she’s pretty. She sings about what people say about her, with a backing chorus of pigeons. People had better start talking about her. She realizes that they didn’t say Geneva. They said Jennifer?

Carol prepares notes for Lew. She sees that newspaper with the story about the body that was found and burns it. He confesses to her that he’s not remembering people’s names. He blames the accident where he lost a piece of his brain and he got kicked out of the FBI. Carol has it, but doesn’t think he should put it back in. Lew remembers his dead partner, Stan Trowel and he appears in front of him. When he talks to him, Carol think she is talking to her. He asks her to go get him another bottle of booze. Stan complains that he always has to follow him around. He’s not on Lew’s mind. That was in his missing piece of brain. Lew needles Stan that he doesn’t get his literary references. Stan always told new that he would take a bullet for let, but he didn’t say the same back. He tells Stan that he had that piece of his brain taken out deliberately.

It’s 2:00 am and Lew sits, drinking. One more drink, and he’s forget all about Stan. Ned Beaumont sneaks in to hammer Lew over the head, but Stan keeps taking the hammer out of his hands.

Act II

Lew lies unconscious on the floor. Ned narrates while Stan watches. He throws a burned newspaper at Lew. What can he tell him about the body found in Central Park. Lew asks why Ned wears only one glove. Only one fit. Ned says that he smells something fishy, and it’s not the cigarette. He says that his boss wants to know where the bird is. What bird? Do you mean the jewelled crystal bird covered in gems. Yes, the Maltese Turfucken. Ned needs to talk to a fence.

Geneva stands alone outside when Orestes makes bird noises at her. She wonders if the pigeons are back. Orestes carries a rolodex for Lew. It’s Orestes’ dad’s. Orestes is so rich, he doesn’t know how to read. Geneva wonders if both their dads couldn’t be great? Sparks fly between them. They look into each other’s eyes. Geneva’s eyes are like fine woods that he would have someone carve furniture out of. Not literally. They’re just two rich kids. Two very rich kids. They are interrupted by Ned who tells Geneva to get away from Orestes. He doesn’t want I’m anywhere near her family. Geneva loves Orestes. NEd thinks that she loves some pretty shitty things.

Desiree throw things down for Danvers to pick up. They ask Desiree what she has done with the bird. She tells them to turn it down to a 4. They operate at an 11. That’s why she sleeps standing up. She doesn’t like what Danvers in incinerating. What do THEY know about the bird? They tell her that her father is stealing from him. Danvers complains that he makes them clear with her body. Hugo bursts in asking about the bird. Danvers knows what’s what. Why would he steal his own stuff. Desiree ask Danvers if they are sure. They are.

Lew pours himself yet another drink. Stan wishes that he could drink. Stan hates and loves Lew. Even if he was still alive, he’s take a bullet for Lew. Lew says that he hates loving Stan. Stan never heard Lew says those words before. He grew up in a different time with outdated ideas of masculinity, but it’s the 40s now, and can express these feelings. The phone rings. It’s Lew’s ex-wife. Lew hear his part of the conversation. She needs to turn the oven up to 350! The gratin needs to brown! He tells her never to call him again. Say hi to the kids!

Bridgette tells Carol about her first day on the job. She tries on Carol’s red hat. No one comes into the bar to work. Everyone drinks in their offices. She danced alone in the bar, but Carol tells her that she was in the corner watching her dancing. If things don’t work out for her and Lew, Carol can take care of her. Bridgette wishes she could be type like Carol. Desiree is like a bird, like the Maltese Turfucken. Desire could use a Fucken.

Ned and Geneva drive home. He doesn’t like her hanging out with that Briarwood boy. He’s bad news. Does she understand what business her father is in? One day, someone will die. Her father’s work isn’t safe. Are you trying to tell her that her dad kills people? WhY? There are some bad people out there. they have to go away. Capiche? She gets out to open the door for Ned. He practices his confession of his love for her. She is confused by what he says. He tells her to let bygones be bygones.

Carol drops a bird into Bridgette’s drink. She’s so surprised. No one had ever given her anything like it. Just don’t tell anyone where she got it. Carol doesn’t think she should see Lew anymore. Bridgette has her bird and she should fly. That’s the Maltese Turfucken. They argue and Lew comes in with Stan on his heels. He sees the red hat on the floor, and they both says it belongs to each other. He sees the Maltese Turfucken. He ask why she has that bird and is home early from work. Carol says that she thinks it looks suspicious. She asks of she should take care of her and raises a bottle to hit her over her head.

Lew takes up on the floor. No HE has the red hat. One day he was the top of the FBI, but now he’s down in the gutter. He hears footsteps. Someone need his help. His name is Peter Frogeyes. He’s there to hire him. He’s gotten mixed up with something. A gun appears. Stan throws himself in front of the gun, but the bullet goes right through him and kills Peter. He tells Stan that Peter’s in the mob. If they find his body there, they’ll think that he killed him. He and Stan have to hide the body.